Chat response to my Solo for Mykaila, March 23rd. 6.15pm

Bianca

hey lady

whoa, right?

8:23pmMykaila

totally.

8:23pmBianca

how do you feel? or, what do you feel?

i feel vulnerable and young

8:24pmMykaila

i feel so out of my body.

8:25pmBianca

more...

8:26pmMykaila

i'm not sure. i think... it was perfect.

8:27pmMykaila

but it feels like it didn't happen, a little bit. it's hard to realize that things like that are possible, that they really happen... and then on top of that i have to wrap my head around that it happened to me, happened with me. that without me, it wouldn't have happened at all.

8:29pmBianca

yes

yes

yes

8:30pmMykaila

what do you think?

and feel?

8:30pmBianca

to start

i feel little

like i am 13

again

and again

i feel responsible

and the weight of that is heavy like when i was 13

i feel opened

surprised by that opening

i feel like we just had a sleep over or something

i feel weirdly close and unclose

to you

and

8:32pmMykaila

mhmm, definitely, like that first time someone spends the night at your house

8:32pmBianca

i also feel old

and happy to feel young

i almost cried a little when we were singing

that really surprised me

i love singing and do it all the time

8:34pmMykaila

i noticed that.

8:34pmBianca

but that became so loaded and nostalgic so fast

darn! i was hoping you missed that ha!

8:34pmMykaila

yes

8:34pmBianca

did that weird you out?

i am so dorky sometimes

8:35pmMykaila

not at all

i'm like that too

8:35pmBianca

i would have said that if you had asked me to fill out a questionnaire

like what, dorky?

8:36pmMykaila

what else would you have said? and what things fell away easily from my answers?

dorky, sing-y, crying a little bit-y

8:37pmBianca

ahh, what else? i say too much when i am unguarded and too little when i am not. of course

what fell away? nothing.

what could i subscribe to in an honest way was all musical and emotional

8:39pmBianca

other things fell in kinetically instead of literally

which makes them harder to see

8:40pmMykaila

yes

so... where did you begin? i don't know what i would have done...

8:42pmBianca

i began by distilling your answers and looking at parallels between us

or commonalities, better put

8:42pmMykaila

what are our parallels.commonalities?

/

8:44pmBianca

bedroom. car talk. colors. languages. the first 13 questions minus number 6

genocide. no understanding

structure

musical musings

8:47pmMykaila

it's crazy

8:47pmBianca

did you sense any?

what is?

8:50pmMykaila

yeah, i think that whenever i've learned about you, through emails or through facebook or whatever, i've sensed some kind of weird connect. i don't know if it's commonalities but more that we move through life in somewhat similar ways... and weird coincidence, like our birthdays.

what is crazy is just that this can happen. i'm not over it... i won't be for a while.

8:50pmBianca

don't be over it.

8:51pmMykaila

the hippocampus is the center of emotional memory in women

i have an extraordinary hippocampus

it's gonna stick around for a long long time

8:52pmBianca

i bet, me too.

8:52pmMykaila

i don't know how to keep it with me, in some ways. i am a big sharer, it's kind of how i keep track of myself, in an odd way. but i can't share this... it's a challenge for me. i like it but it's so different.

8:52pmBianca

so interesting. does processing with me feel like sharing?

8:53pmMykaila

yes it does.

8:54pmBianca

is it hard?

8:55pmMykaila

a little bit, mostly trying to figure it out is tough. i have people all over the place asking me how it was, and i just don't know what to say. it's really comforting that there's another person in the world--you--who really gets it.

8:57pmBianca

yes. and i get what you just said about sharing. i do that thing too- blurt and process out loud. some things, i really cradle and keep quiet.

8:59pmMykaila

cradle--that is the perfect word.

8:59pmBianca

i have a proposal.

9:00pmMykaila

yes?

9:01pmBianca

what if instead of blogging and trying to make some palatable prose for people

9:01pmMykaila

i like where this is going

9:01pmBianca

i just copy this chat to the lingo blog and let them have at it. does that feel right or does that feel invasive?

just a thought

9:01pmMykaila

i'm not sure

9:02pmBianca

maybe this dialogue is more indicative than a summary

i am not married to the idea, it just popped up

9:02pmMykaila

i think that what we are saying is very true, in some ways, because it is what we are feeling--raw and fresh. but i don't want to miss anything...

9:02pmBianca

where did you think it was going?

miss anything?

9:03pmMykaila

somewhere that i didn't have to figure out how to translate that experience into words

9:03pmBianca

well, what does that look like?

i like that

9:03pmMykaila

miss any feeling or reflection or idea or something

9:03pmBianca

right

what if we did that and then some non verbal response

9:04pmMykaila

i like that

9:04pmBianca

or in tandem with another verbal response

9:04pmMykaila

yes

9:05pmBianca

pick your favorite combo

all three? just two?

9:05pmMykaila

all three, if you're up for it... or down with it

9:05pmBianca

yes yes yes

three yeses

9:06pmMykaila

perfect

9:07pmBianca

in Biancaland, that gets a big 'Ting!'

9:08pmMykaila

like the sound?!

9:08pmBianca

yes!

9:09pmMykaila

I DO THAT TOO

9:09pmBianca

WHOA!!!!!

Rocktober babies!

9:10pmMykaila

keeps getting more and more intense!!

9:12pmBianca

on and on...

as it should

9:15pmBianca

okay then. i will start the response train with this chat.

9:15pmMykaila

great

i am really excited for this... weird but it feels like it's still the beginning

9:15pmBianca

i can't wait to see what gets done and written

it is!!!

for a while, i think, it will feel new

9:17pmMykaila

yes, i think that's true

9:17pmBianca

thank you for today. i felt you go far with me. i asked a lot. you did a lot.

9:18pmMykaila

thank you for asking. i would never have gone there if i was never asked.

and i'm really really glad it happened

9:19pmBianca

you!

yes!

9:19pmMykaila

eh "glad" is a weak modifier. i feel so beyond everything.

9:19pmBianca

words aren't always the best modifiers

says the dancer tot he english teacher...

to the

9:20pmMykaila

it's true!

9:21pmBianca

true.

9:21pmMykaila

i wish i could speak every language in the world. there is a word in afrikaans that means "the feeling you get when you see someone you used to be in love with but aren't anymore"

if there is a word for that, there is a word for everything. but i just don't know them.

9:21pmBianca

i need to know it i feel that way all the time

keep searching

and always feel good knowing that you know the corresponding feeling first

9:22pmMykaila

yes, feeling is better than describing feeling.

i'll figure that word out. i'll ask some friends.

9:23pmBianca

standing by for good word...

to end, I say this

i can't wait for more

yes yes yes and more and yes

9:24pmMykaila

i am so with you.

9:24pmBianca

i look forward to the other two responses

and thank you

and wow

9:24pmMykaila

me too. you're welcome. thank you. aaaah. what!

9:25pmBianca

whaaaat.

and finally

a big

fat

Ting!

9:26pmMykaila

TING!